Everyone experiences pain and hurt. It’s inevitable. But how a person deals with pain is optional. As leaders in biblical community, we can only comfort others with the comfort we have also received (2 Corinthians 1:4). Unhealed pain (emotional and mental) can greatly influence and hinder our relationships with those we love and live with in biblical community.
Pain that is undealt with can often be an obstacle to forgiveness. Pain and woundedness from an offense can run deep and make us struggle with the thought of forgiving others. It is possible to forgive someone and still hurt from what they did…and this can cause a person to question whether they truly forgave the other person. We know that we should forgive them, but what do we do with the pain?
People often deal with pain in unhealthy (unproductive) ways that prolong the pain and cause more pain in their relationships.
Four unhealthy ways people often deal with pain:
1. Turning the pain inward
- Self-condemnation, self-hatred
- Obsessive guilt
- Can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts
- “I am the problem. If I were a better husband (better wife). If I were more godly, more spiritual, more___________.”
2. Turning the pain outward
- Blame, accuse, attack, rage, outbursts of unrighteous anger
- Gossip, critical words, cutting words
- Passive aggressive—silent treatment, withdraw, withhold affection
- Punishing the other person, vengeance
3. Medicating the pain (numbing it)
- Anything you use to numb the pain.
- Alcohol, drugs, food, TV, social media, pornography
- Work, hobbies, compulsivity
- Emotional Novocain – only allows the infection to spread
4. Denying the pain
- Denial is the emotional and mental reluctance to face the truth of one’s pain or hurt.
- Denial often takes the form of codependent thinking and behaviors—being a rescuer, being a people-pleaser, being a victim, allowing other people to control you, being a controller of other people, etc.
- Codependency blurs the lines between you and other people—their happiness becomes your responsibility; your identity is tied to what other people think of you, etc. (a loss of boundaries).
There is a better way!
The Healthy/Effective Way to Deal with Pain
- Acknowledge the pain. (Admit the hurt you feel. Face it. This is the opposite of denying it, medicating it, blaming others or yourself.)
- Express the pain. (To God and to someone you trust.)
- Turn to the Lord for His comfort and healing for your pain.
- Having received God’s comfort, acceptance is more likely.
- Forgiveness for the one who hurt you is embraced.
- Moving forward in the relationship is more enjoyable.
Psalm 139:23-24 —“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Matthew 11:28-30 — “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 — “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”