If you have clicked on this article, you are likely considering being an active part of a local church to share your time, energies, and resources in encouraging and building up God’s work in that community of believers. Perhaps even becoming a member. If so, this is terrific! As a follower of Christ, you were meant for this. “Think of ways to encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage and warn each other, especially now that the day his coming back again is drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25). The local church matters. You have a place in it.
So yes, this is a brief wordplay on the common lingo one might use in looking for a life mate with one looking for that just-right-for-me church. At some point in all our lives, whether we wrote it down or not, we all had in our minds what the perfect mate would be like or what he/she absolutely could not be like. As you continue to read this play on words, “She” is the local church you are considering.
“She agrees with me on the majors in life.”
If the church you are considering does not have a biblical, gospel-centered core in its statements and affirmations, then it isn’t the one for you.
For instance, does the church affirm the inspiration and authority of the Scriptures? Does it hold to the bodily resurrection of Christ? Take time to examine both the belief statements of the church (many churches have them listed on their website) and its weekly practices so you come to a good understanding of the church’s foundational values. Take a pastor or even a volunteer leader (like a small group leader) to coffee and ask about these core majors and how they influence their culture.
“She balances me.”
Opposites attract, right? While having different individual perspectives and bents might bring some relational challenges, it can be a huge plus. We can be more than just the sum of two parts. In a secure and mature relationship, when we humbly understand the other’s and our own strengths and weaknesses, we will be a stronger force than we would be on our own. It’s the primary reason we date someone who has differences from us. As you seek for a community of faith, it’s good that you experience some preferential differences or even disappointments. Get uncomfortable. In other words, don’t insist on a church that looks, thinks, prays, sings, serves, studies, talks, and evaluates just like you do. Not only should you see a variety of giftings expressed (one body, many parts – 1 Corinthians 12) that are different from your own, but you should also experience a difference from your own preferences in expressions on some minors (such as how many songs are sung in worship or that the pastor wears a tie).
“She is not my rebound relationship.”
I think we all know this term — being in a “rebound relationship.” A ‘rebound relationship’ is a reactionary relationship that is inspired by the unhealed wounds, grief, or unresolved issues of a previous one. It might involve using other people as a Band-Aid to cover our wounds. Are we capable of being in a rebound church relationship? You bet we are. Of the suggested considerations in this article, this one really has very little to do with the new church you are considering and everything to do with you and the church you have left. I’m not saying that there aren’t possible circumstances when breaking up with a church is the right thing to do. There very well could be. If you are coming out of a painful church experience, you should allow yourself a season of healing. In this season, extend and allow forgiveness where and to whom it is needed (Ephesians 4:32). Seek reconciliation even if it doesn’t happen (Matthew 18:15-18). Have loving, truthful, and difficult conversations with those involved. Listen with an open mind and share with humble heart. Prioritize professional and biblical counseling sessions. Allow your wounds to heal. Sense a restoration so that you may once again care and love and serve others in the security of the Lord’s work and promises in your life.
“She is not a long-distance relationship.”
For you younger folks, the term “long distance” actually originated in the telephone industry. Calls made from a landline phone (the phones with hard wiring in the home) were included in a monthly fee if they were within a local region. However, if you made a call to outside of that region (county, state) then you were charged an additional per-minute fee. That was a “long distance call.” It cost you more. Similarly, long distance relationships are always a little more costly and tricky, even if all the other signs are healthy. The separation just puts on additional stressors and limitations. It's no different with your church. That 30-minute drive, which doesn’t seem like a big deal now because you love her (the church) so much, is going to challenge you when the youth group has an event on the weekend (and you are the taxi) or the nearest home group isn’t that near. Choosing a local church that is truly local will allow you to invest and be involved in richer and deeper ways. And in return, it will be the church that is able to more richly bless you.
“She is family friendly.”
There are a few angles to consider in labeling a church as “family friendly.” First of all, the decisions, priorities, and sacrifices that each family faces are made are not based on just one person’s ideas and preferences. There is consideration given to each person. In looking for that church family, you should likewise consider how everyone in your family will be impacted. What are both the opportunities and the challenges that each person in your family will face in that local church you are considering? For instance, even if your family is young, take a look into the church’s youth ministry. Another aspect of a “family-friendly” church to consider is the integration of all family members. Perhaps you value local church opportunities of ministry and service as a family— “doing church” together. Does this church purposefully plan and organize opportunities such as this? Are kids welcomed into home groups with adults? Do the church’s mission trips or opportunities of service provide avenues for all ages? A final family aspect to consider is how a church involves the people from across all stages of life so that the church truly looks like a family with young, middle-aged, and old alike. There is much to be gained when our lives rub up against others in different stages of life (Titus 2). Examine your future church’s organization of groups, studies, discipleship strategies, retreats, etc. Are they all siloed into narrow age groups or do they provide opportunities for cross-generational influence to happen? May your new church truly be a family that blesses your entire family.
“She is more than her social media account.”
In today’s world, it would be very easy to judge a church by its social media cover. Churches realize that, not too unlike dating sites, your first look at them will be online. We all try to put our best foot forward, without using a ridiculous 25-year-old picture as our profile image. Hopefully. But while a church’s social media and website can be very helpful with the facts (service times, group options, where to park, etc), it cannot tell the entire story. Withhold your stronger conclusions on a church until after you have physically been present with the people and involved in their community.
“She’s not just looking for a date.”
As the rebound consideration mentioned above is really more about you than her, perhaps dating the church might be as well, but it is still very worth the mention. Change happens around us all the time. We default to low expectations and low commitment. Although it’s true that you don’t know what your future holds with such things as job transfers, house moves, etc., it doesn’t mean that you can't sincerely plant your life and heart with a group of people for the season that is given to you. You should take the time to really get thoroughly and consistently involved in the church you feel led to. Get to know the people and the leadership. In other words, I don’t recommend becoming a member of a church after only a handful of visits to their worship services. But, like a serious dating relationship, realize that you should be moving yourself toward commitment. It shouldn’t take you too many semesters to have a DTR moment with your church: Define The Relationship. Are you in or are you out? For some churches, that likely means a membership process. Whatever it is that defines you as one of them, be prepared to step into it with all your heart.
The church is the Lord’s creation. We are His people, His bride. That local church deserves you. You deserve them. You two were made for each other. Seek the Lord. He will lead you.