After my friend helped finalize my dating profile, filtering images and including quirky details, I immediately had over 50 matches. I felt giddy, followed closely by a choking dread. What do I do with all these profiles? Jay says he has church friends, but his photos are all bathroom mirror selfies. My inner skeptic was on high alert. Online dating is not for the faint of heart.
It turns out I’m still single, terrible at dating and I love my life. But when I thought about sharing my story about singleness at a women’s retreat a couple years ago, I kept imagining myself walking up to the mic and saying Hi. My name is Libby and I’m single. And everyone says Hiiii Libby. Like I was at an AA meeting. Instead of sober for 5 years, I’ve been dateless. Don’t get me wrong. I fully support recovery programs! But the fact that I had this thought poses a telling angle on the views of singleness in our culture. Somehow it feels like something is wrong with the picture. Or something is wrong with me. Maybe people think, “She probably has commitment issues. Maybe she’s afraid of rejection. Or maybe she needs more time in the gym.” These questions aren’t far from what I ask myself, but after they enter my head, I have to let them go. I have to trust that God brought me to this place and He has a plan for me. And it’s a good one.
A few years ago, I moved back home to Fort Worth, Texas to help my mom who was getting older. It was really hard and, oddly enough, it was the first time I felt the need for a husband. I lived in Austin before that for several years and it’s full of single, creative, young professionals. We went to inspiring and eclectic places—art shows, festivals, the farmer’s market. It was oozing with modernity and culture and I soaked it all in.
When I moved here it was like the lights went out. I had a hard time meeting people, and I was alone to figure things out in a town that felt very married to me. I missed Austin, and life’s difficulties stacked up quickly. I was doing life alone a lot. I can see how partnership with a spouse in this life is God’s good design. I’ve discovered a host of things that are difficult to do alone like fixing the sprinkler system timer when the rotation is off, hanging Christmas lights, going to weddings, going to church, planning a move and selling a home, hauling bags of dirt to the backyard. (Invest in a good wagon, single ladies!)
If I’m honest with myself and God, I would like a partner. Someone I’m deeply spiritually and emotionally connected with. Someone I’m aligned with enough to make decisions about mission and purpose, finances, what neighborhood to live in, what to have for dinner. I’d love to share housework, like one of us takes out the trash while the other cleans the dishes. If you’re married, you might be thinking, “Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice?” I realize this is not what all marriages look like. In fact, I’ve always thought married life would be far harder than single life since I only make decisions for me and I can be pretty selfish. But I don’t think a self-directed, self-focused life is what God intended for us. We are meant to give our lives away for the sake of God and others, just like Jesus did for us. That’s the gospel! I do realize you can be single and not be self-focused.
For all of us, married or single, I think it comes down to this, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him” (1 Cor 7:17). Paul writes this in the context of marriage and singleness. God’s leading in our lives is always better, whether our culture, our families or Match.com agree. I know God’s love is better than my desires, from my small vantage point. I can’t see like He sees and I know He has a purpose for my life as it is, right now.
So would I be willing to stay single my whole life? Sure I would. Would I get married if God brought someone into my life? Yes. I can’t imagine saying no to God at this point. He’s my companion, the One I tell everything, the One who knows my heart and loves me always. I have no better plan than the one He makes for me.
He is more than I could ever want or need in or out of marriage. I want to walk this life with Jesus and become more like Him and so be truly satisfied. To trust Him with the empty “plus one” seat and ask what else He might have in mind for that moment.
Questions to consider:
- How do I truly feel about my life and have I been honest with God about this? Consider writing out some thoughts about it, taking inventory of your heart and life.
- Are my hands open to God’s plan regarding my life and purpose? If not, consider asking God for help to surrender and trust Him.
- Do I have deep friendships that will guide me along the path God has for me? Thank God for these friends or ask Him to show you ways to find them.
- Am I living out the gospel in my life (sacrifice, love, service, sharing the hope of Jesus, using my spiritual gifts)? Write out some additional ways you might do this with God’s help.