Not long ago on a lovely spring afternoon, our beautiful daughter walked down the aisle of a little, picturesque white chapel to marry the man of her dreams. We sat spellbound in the front row. Her radiant smile took our breath away. Her eyes shone with joy and hope that her “happily ever after” was coming true. We watched as she placed her hands into her groom’s and pledged to love and honor him “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.” What a perfect wedding day!
We made a similar vow on our own wedding day 31 years ago, and since then, have had many twists and turns and bumps along the way to test the covenant we made. Commitment is uncomplicated on your idyllic wedding day but much more challenging when sitting by a hospital bed, or receiving a pink slip at work, or struggling with a willful child. The trenches of life can be a harsh reality in testing our commitment to our spouse.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Marriage is a journey, not a destination”? God intends for this journey to begin on the day we say, “I do,” and end at “til death do us part.” Some days are filled with joy, smiles, hope, and peaceful contentment, but some days are filled with bickering, sorrow, frustration, and unmet expectations. God has given us several road signs along the way to guide us to a successful marriage, warn us of hazards ahead, and help us navigate unfamiliar terrain. These signposts along the way encourage us to remember the commitment we made to our spouse on our wedding day and the recommitment that we must make every day afterwards. Just as a wise driver must heed the road signs along his path in order to reach his destination safely, so a wise spouse must also heed these signs of commitment on his or her journey to a successful marriage.
NO U-TURN
“Forsaking all others” is another phrase used in traditional wedding vows. This means that we must vigilantly guard our marriages so that no past relationship, person, or interest threatens the commitment we made to our spouse. This, of course, means that we must leave behind all former dating relationships, crushes, and romantic interests. No dabbling! No flirting! No “what ifs”! Close those doors and lock them tight!
“Forsaking all others” also means our formerly single lifestyle. Does your spouse feel like they are competing for your affection with a parent, a friend, or even a hobby?
Luke 9:62 says, “No man having put his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the Kingdom of Heaven.” Jesus is specifically referring to returning to old worldly lifestyles once we have begun following Him, but the same is true for our marriages. The only way forward is to not be distracted by the things left behind. Keep looking forward, not out your rearview mirror!
MERGE
When our marriage commitment is threatened, we need to Merge. First, we must merge with one another. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” From the very beginning, God’s goal for marriage was oneness. We must do and say things that promote oneness in our marriage. We must reaffirm our commitment to one another and guard our hearts and minds from thoughts of separation or divorce. We need to stop living individually by using the words “mine” and “yours” and instead use the word “ours.” During extra difficult seasons of life, it is important to carve out extra time to be together. Be intentional about spending time in God’s Word and praying together. Talk with one another and go for walks together. “Together” is the key. Our goal should be dependence on God and interdependence on one another – not independence!
We must also Merge with community. We need each other! Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on to love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
When going through challenging times in our marriage, the tendency is to withdraw from others and keep our pain private. This is exactly what Satan wants. When we keep our sin secret or our need buried, we isolate ourselves, make ourselves vulnerable, and play right into Satan’s strategy. But when we bring our pain into the light, embrace our community, and seek help, we take a significant step toward victory.
STOP
A third signpost reminding us to remember our commitment to our spouse is the Stop sign. When we have conflict in our marriage, we need to remember that our spouse is not our enemy. Satan is our enemy, and he doesn’t want our marriages to succeed. He doesn’t want us to show grace to one another. He doesn’t want us to remain faithful. He doesn’t want us to forgive or love selflessly. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Satan is our enemy, so we need to stop accusing and blaming our spouses. They should be our teammates in the fight.
Stop our self-condemnation. This is another tactic of the enemy to keep us from living a victorious life in Christ. If we have placed our faith in Christ, we are God’s children. We are forgiven. Galatians 1:5 says, “It is for freedom that Christ set you free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Christ has forgiven us. We must forgive ourselves and move forward in victorious, Christ-honoring marriages.
Stop procrastinating and refusing to address areas that God wants to change. We often become so busy pointing our finger at our spouse, that we forget to inspect our own lives for sins that we need to confess or areas that we need to surrender to God. Like David wrote in Psalm 139:23-24, we need to bow before God on a regular basis and say, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me.” We must confess these sins to God as well as to our spouse.
YIELD
A fourth sign on our path to commitment is Yield. Pride is the root of sin. Out of pride we respond in selfishness. Out of pride we want our own way. Out of pride we become defensive when confronted with our sin. Out of pride we refuse to offer forgiveness. To be like Christ, however, we must humble ourselves and submit to the Lord. I Peter 5:6 tells us to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God. God is the One who gave us our spouse. God is the One who is holding our marriage together. God has a perfect plan for our lives. We must surrender and yield to Him.
We must also yield to one another. In Ephesians 5, Paul tells wives that they need to submit to their husbands and that husbands need to love their wives, but verse 21 precedes both of these commands and says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Submitting to one another means giving up your right to be right, looking out for your spouse’s interests before your own, celebrating your spouse’s successes, and reconciling differences rather than punishing with the cold shoulder. How is this even possible? This submission to one another is only possible as you first submit to the Lord.
CAUTION
When we experience a threat to our marriage commitment, we must use Caution. During times when our marriages are most vulnerable, we must be aware of Satan’s attacks. I Peter 5:8 says that Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. We need to increase our time in God’s Word so that we can recognize God’s truth from Satan’s lies. We also need to unite our hearts together in prayer – praying for one another and with one another. Ephesians 6 tells us that we need to put on the full armor of God and stand firm. James says that we need to resist the devil so he will flee from us.
The Bible says that attacks do not just come from Satan but from our very own flesh and the world around us. We must starve our flesh on a daily basis being very discerning about what we watch on TV, listen to on the radio, look at on the internet, and dwell on in our minds. Are these promoting the truths of God’s Word, or are they insidiously weaving their way into our lives, marriages, and homes? We must shore up our defenses, so we don’t leave ourselves susceptible to worldly influences and ideas.
Marriage can be a wonderful adventure! The vows that we make on our wedding day are only the beginning of the journey. These five road signs are not exhaustive, but if we can learn to implement these principles in our lives, we’ll be able, with God’s grace, to daily reaffirm our commitment to our spouse and navigate through the difficult seasons in our marriage.