From my earliest memories, the shadow of low self-worth has loomed over my life, a heavy burden carried from the haunting echoes of childhood sexual abuse. The echoes of those traumas shaped my perception of the world, leaving me perpetually angry, sad, and above all, gripped by an unrelenting fear – fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted, not being enough, fear of being unworthy.
As I navigated through friendships and relationships, I found myself withdrawing, fearing rejection, and unable to accept myself. I would surround myself with toxic people, people that I thought I could help, that ended up taking advantage of my need for acceptance. Another layer of my struggles unfolded – a feeling of unworthiness. The worry that I might never be sufficient for my husband and children consumed me, haunted by the idea that my imperfections could make me fall short in their eyes, desperately trying to shield my children from the pain I knew too well.
In my journey to build up others, I neglected the most crucial aspect – myself. The mirror became a battlefield where the lies I believed about my worth waged war against the truth. It was in these moments that I realized I needed to confront the lies head-on.
Each morning, preparing myself for the day presented a challenge. Refusing to turn on the light, I avoided my reflection in the mirror. The thoughts of being ugly and worthless, coupled with a sense of isolation, convinced me that no one truly cared.
I was desperate for help. I sought solace in highlighting the significance of Jesus in my life. Knowing that this war was so much bigger than what I could handle on my own, I surrounded myself with friends who not only held me accountable but also uplifted me in a manner that reflects Jesus’ compassion. I started attending Celebrate Recovery. My life was unmanageable and I needed God to help me to do the simple task of looking in the mirror.
Reminding myself that I am a child of God became my anchor. It wasn't a quick fix, but a steady journey of rediscovering my identity in my Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who heals. Hebrews 6:19 reminds me that our hope is sure and steadfast as a well placed, secure and unbending anchor. Our anchor is not located in the deepest sea, but in the highest heaven.
The insecurities that had intertwined themselves into the fabric of my being began to unravel as I immersed myself in the promises of God's Word.
Trusting in God became more than a concept; it became a lifeline.
I had to lay bare my struggles, not just to those around me but, most importantly, to God. Opening up about my fears and insecurities was a daunting step, but it was also the catalyst for transformation.
In the midst of my struggles, I found solace in the knowledge that God had a grand plan for me. An incredible family, supportive church, a fulfilling job, and trustworthy friends surrounded me – tangible evidence of God's blessings. It became clear that the fears and insecurities were the lies of the enemy, seeking to undermine the potential that God had bestowed upon me. As Jesus said in John 10:10, “A thief comes to steal and kill and destroy, but I came to give life—life in all its fullness.”
Breaking free from the chains of fear required a deliberate effort. Getting lost in God's Word and recognizing the intricate details of His promises became a source of strength. I love Joel 2:25-26, “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.”
God has brought trustworthy people into my life with whom I can openly share my journey, enabling me to establish a support system that strengthens my faith.
Today, I stand firm in the belief that God's plan for me is greater than the fears that once held me captive. It's a continual process of setting aside those insecurities, letting go of the lies, and allowing God to work in the intricacies of my life.
My journey is far from over, but I share this story not as a tale of triumph but as an ongoing testament to the power of trust in God. May it provide hope for those navigating their own struggles, reminding them that they, too, are cherished children of a loving Creator.
Recommended Resources
Celebrate Recovery
Celebrate Recovery at Central Bible Church
Central Counseling