Who needs friends? Short answer, EVERYONE. The Christian life was never meant to be walked alone. You were created as a relational being. You need your brothers and sisters around you to encourage you, to support you, to hold you accountable, and to remind you of the truths of God’s Word. Left to yourself, it is so easy for the enemy to circle around and find ways to bring you down and pull you away from the good things the Lord has in store for his children. 1 Peter 5:8, echoing this truth, says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Who are the easiest to attack? Those left off by themselves away from the group, wandering through life alone, trying to figure things out by themselves. Friends are needed for your very survival.
Now you might be saying, “That sounds a little dramatic. I’ve got plenty of people around who are available whenever I need them.” But what I’m talking about is more than just your run-of-the-mill acquaintance at work, or your distant family member that you only see on major holidays when forced to interact. This type of friendship is modeled by David and Jonathan in the book of 1 Samuel, a friendship that goes far deeper than the surface level, to a relationship that knit their souls together (1 Samuel 18:1). Do you have any of those?
Statistics from the best-selling book The Friendship Factor show that only around 10% of men ever have any real friends. Whether you are a man or a woman reading this article, the following biblical mandate applies to you: Friendship is not optional in the life of a believer. In many ways, a follower of Christ should view friendship as another discipline, like prayer or fasting, necessary for a deeper, growing relationship with the Lord. And there are plenty of places to look for these relationships through a local church, if you don’t already have them. You could find them in a Sunday School class, at a small group Bible study, at a men’s or women’s event or retreat, or even just in opportunities to serve.
Have eyes that see, eyes that are looking for these types of relationships, and a heart that asks the Lord to provide them. Ask him to bring across your path someone who might share the same worldview and approach to life that you do. But you have to ask... and sometimes wait. I live by a short list of “Life Rules.” One of those is that you make time for the people or things that are important to you. If finding and establishing a deep, Christ-honoring friendship is important to you, you need to make margin for that in your busy life. You need to do the hard work of searching and pursuing, if you don’t already have a few established reliable relationships to turn to. More times than not, you will have to be the one who initiates at the beginning, instead of just waiting for something to fall into your lap. It’s not the easy way, but it’s the right way.
If you’ve already done the hard work of searching and you currently have one or more solid, biblical friendship, then NEVER take those for granted. You never know when an unforeseen situation in life will cause a change in the regularity or quality that you are currently experiencing with your friend. Thank God every day for those people that he has put in your life to walk alongside you. They are truly a gift from him. Remember that even just being in the presence of another believing friend should give you much joy and strength.
They carry God’s written Word on their hearts. They can remind you of truths from God’s Word that you might have forgotten in times of trial. This is a blessing you are now getting to enjoy.
Once you’ve found someone to experience this deeper type of friendship with, here are three helpful points that could strengthen the bond you are building:
- Ask good questions. I know this sounds super simple, but it really is such a good sign to your friend that you truly care about their life and have been listening to their stories over the time you’ve spent together. All of the people in my life that I would consider close friends display this quality. Again, it’s pretty telling if a person displays little to no interest in updates or follow-ups from previous conversations. Taking some time to come up with intentional, thought-provoking questions expresses such care and concern for another person that can’t help but be reciprocated. Inquire of and study your friend. Different seasons in life will change your friend. They’re most likely not exactly the same person they were when you met them at the beginning. Be a good student of them. Intercede on their behalf, both when you’re on your own as well as when you’re together. They will appreciate it.
- Foster an environment where trust and transparency are always growing. Being honest with your friend is a pillar of your relationship. Speaking hard truths in love should be provided by brothers and sisters in Christ. In many ways, the need for counseling would be lessened if people just had godly friends to turn to with their struggles, and in their struggles, be told what God’s Word says about the right way to handle things. Do this enough times, and trust begins and continues to grow. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable and transparent, this encourages your friend to also share deep needs they possess. These things will begin to create a healthy, life-giving cycle that continuously enhances God’s glory.
- Compliments have huge buoying power. I want to share with you an excerpt from the book Disciplines of a Godly Man by R. Kent Hughes: “The deepest of friendships have in common this desire to make the other person royalty. Each works for and rejoices in the other’s elevation and achievements. There are no hooks in such friendships, no desire to manipulate or control, no jealousy or exclusiveness – simply a desire for the best for the other.” Be one of your friend’s biggest advocates and cheerleaders. You can never compliment or congratulate them enough. They need to hear those words from you. Who doesn’t love being encouraged? Look for creative ways to do this with these people most dear to you.
I pray that this is an encouragement to those of you reading this who have yet to find a friend like Jonathan. Or maybe you had one at one time, but life has moved them out of your regular rhythms. You’re hurting to fill this void you feel. Continue to ask the Lord to provide for this need to be met, and then wait on his perfect timing. Remember, while waiting, to keep your eyes open for people the Lord might put in your life as you engage in community.
And for those of you who already have solid friendships, continue to fight for them. Nurture them and care for them, because as the David says in Psalm 133:1, “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity.”