The Scrolls is a weekly Bible study written by pastors and other leaders at Central Bible Church, based on that week’s sermon topic. Use The Scrolls as a personal Bible study tool, for family devotions, and for small group discussions. You can read part of it below. The downloadable PDF also includes discussion questions, more in-depth commentary, end notes, and a kids’ page designed for families to study the topic together. This lesson goes with the sermon "God's Design for Marriage."
In light of Peter’s instructions to wives and husbands found in 1 Peter 3:1-7, one might suggest a revision to the creed of the Central Virtue Gentleness, since gentleness is a necessary ingredient for a gratifying marriage that, as confirmed by experience, survives the tests of time.
With couples in mind, the creed might read: “I am thoughtful, considerate, and calm in dealing with my spouse.” Paul doesn’t have wives and husbands, in particular, in mind, when he writes to the Philippians, “Let your gentleness be evident to all,” (4:5), but “all” is inclusive. To be “thoughtful, considerate, and calm in dealing with others,” exclusive of one’s spouse misses the mark entirely. People who choose to live selfish lives devoid of gentleness—unencumbered in general by any semblance of morality and the weight of any virtue—forego the key to every long-term personal relationship, especially a marriage relationship.
The dictionary definition of the English word “gentleness” is “being kind, tender, or mild-mannered.” The Greek term translated “gentleness” in Philippians 4:5 is epieikes, often used to refer to an attitude of kindness where the normal or expected response was retaliation. In 2 Corinthians 10:1, Paul explains that Jesus’ example of “humility and gentleness” lies behind his own gentle treatment of his recalcitrant readers, i.e., like Jesus, he refuses to respond to them in kind.
Commenting on Philippians 4:5, one writer offers this more formal description of gentleness: “L. H. Marshall gives a full description of its meaning as ‘fairmindedness, the attitude of a man who is charitable towards men’s faults and merciful in his judgment of their failing because he takes their whole situation into his reckoning’. Perhaps ‘graciousness’ is the best English equivalent, and, in context here, it is to be the spirit of willingness to yield under trial which will show itself in a refusal to retaliate when attacked” (Ralph P. Martin, Philippians, TNTC, 170, italics added).
Commenting on the same text, another writer explicitly links “gentleness” to the example of Jesus: “Others should know them for their ‘gentle forbearance’ toward one another and toward all, including those who are currently making life miserable. This is the Pauline version of 1 Pet 2:23, spoken of Christ but urged of Christian slaves, ‘when they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.’ It is this ‘gentle forbearance’ and ‘meekness’ of Christ, to which Paul appealed in 2 Cor 10:1, which he here calls the believers to exbibit in Philippi” (Gordon D. Fee, Paul’s Letter to the Philippians, NICNT, 407).
With the type meaning of gentleness in mind, namely, the meaning expressed in all of its associated nuances, it’s easy to see that when possessed by both spouses, gentleness is one of the “fixins” for a happy marriage. Wives demonstrate gentleness by deferring to their husbands rather than defying them, and by displaying “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (v. 4). Husbands demonstrate gentleness by being considerate and treating them with respect (v. 7).
Scot McKnight writes: “One of my students illustrates this perfectly. He told me, rather humorously, that he had an old Volkswagen that had been sitting in our seminary parking lot, rusting and rotting there for two years. ‘Why?’ I asked. He responded, ‘Because my wife was not ready to part with her dear old VW.’ He also told me that she was now ready to ‘cut the cord.’ I appreciated his sensitivity to her boundary line: She simply was not ready to make that decision, and he was respectful of that view. Somone might argue that she should have been submissive; I think my student was right and was ‘living with his wife considerately.’ Had he pushed forward in the name of submission, he may have done irreparable harm to his marriage. Good for him!” (The NIV Application Commentary: 1 Peter, 190). She didn’t put her foot down, and he didn’t force his will on her.
Central Message of the Text:
Wives defer to your husbands, so that they might be won over, and husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, so that your prayers might not be hindered.
Family Talk:
I absolutely love that our church practices “integrated Biblical teaching” or alignment. Every person in our church in every ministry and in every community or home group will study the same passage this week highlighting God’s design for marriage. You may be wondering why in the world you need to teach your elementary child about marriage. Well, Mom and Dad, believe it or not, one day that eight-year-old toothless boy who thinks poop jokes are hilarious will propose to “the one.” Will he be ready? One day, you’ll be shopping for wedding dresses with your grown-up daughter and still see your baby girl who curled up next to you to watch princess movies. Will she be ready? Now is the time to help your kids understand God’s view on marriage, including healthy and godly submission. This is a touchy subject that’s bound to ruffle some feathers but it doesn’t have to be. In Children’s Ministry, we teach kids that the best place to go when they’re confused about truth is God’s Word. If you’re reading this passage and have questions, I encourage you to first pray about it. Ask God to reveal the true meaning of Scripture to you. Don’t go to Google; it won’t be helpful. Instead, seek other companion passages that will shed light on this text. Read through 1 Peter 3:1-7 again, then take a look at Ephesians 5:22-33 or 1 Corinthians 11:3. Read the passages before and after or go on a deep dive about marriage in general. Don’t stop searching God’s Word and prayerfully seeking answers. Our right and responsibility is to help kids understand godly marriage. We’re praying for you!