In my previous role, I served for 4 years in college ministry. This is enough time to see one entire group of freshmen through their years of college. I would meet them at age 18, as recent high school graduates, and then see them transition to walking the stage at the conclusion of their college careers. So much life occurs in those 4 years. Many of us can reminisce about our time on a college campus, the freshman 15, the lasting relationships we made, the tests we crammed for, and the feeling as this short season came to a close.
As that season for me, extended by my role in the university, came to its close I thought I would miss out on the life-changing moments that people go through between the ages of 18-22. However, as I am stepping into a new season of high school ministry, I have noticed a new emotion rising in me. This emotion is not one of FOMO, the “fear of missing out,” but instead is one of hope as I am able to prepare students from the ages 13-18 for their unforgettable college years. I feel as if I have been able to hit the rewind button on the remote in order to prepare students for where they are headed next.
Often we use the phrase “Future Church” to refer to high school students, and while this is partially true, we must remember that they are also the church of the present. The season of life that they are in is so valuable as they are preparing for their future. For this reason, I have loved being able to press rewind and go “Back to the Future.”
As I have settled into this new season, new city, and new role with new responsibilities, I have noticed these 3 (of probably many more) similarities between high school students and the college students I spent the last 4 years with:
- They not only ask big questions but have the capacity to wrestle with them.
My biggest fear stepping into student ministry was that I would greatly miss the depth of conversations I could have with college students. College students are wrestling with calling, purpose, identity, and so many other topics. Would high schoolers even be interested in conversations that required this amount of nuance?
The very first week “on the new job” was student camp. My only goal for camp was to dig in and set a good foundation for the relationships that I would be able to form over the next several years. My goal was not to answer the question previously mentioned—however, in accomplishing my small goal of building relationships, this question was answered.
During high school breakout time, students wanted to discuss applicable and theological topics that required careful word choice and thought processes. And the best part was that I did not even have to dig for answers or stir the conversation along. Once the question was posed, either by a leader or student, several students were fully invested in the large group discussion. Many came up to me after these sessions or during free time to get my take on “x, y, and z.” Instead of answering directly, I gave them a few different ideas and would watch their wheels turn. Much of my growth in college came not from my professors giving me the answer, but from their asking me to do the heavy lifting as I waded through difficult topics. It was an absolute joy to see 13-to-18-year-old students wrestle with relevant Biblical topics.
My advice to you as a parent, leader, or whatever hat you happen to wear, is to not be afraid of difficult conversations with students.
Instead offer up the space and time for conversations like these.
- They need consistency, even when they are not consistent.
In college ministry, the adage of “FOMO” is well-known. However, a more frequent issue that my wife and I ran into with college students was not the “fear of missing out,” but instead, the “fear of the next best thing.” It was difficult for students to commit to events, because what if another event that is better comes along? Despite this challenge, we remained flexible and committed to hanging out with students. Our apartment remained an “open door” environment where anyone was welcome, popcorn was served, and games were played.
The summers in student ministry are very similar. Students are busy. They have vacations, summer jobs, and of course, that new girlfriend or boyfriend that they are definitely going to marry. However, as parents, leaders, or ministers, we can remain flexible and committed to showing up for them when they allow it. For parents, you can have dinner cooked even if they decide to eat at the “Future In-Laws’.” For leaders, you can consistently show up for small groups on Sundays even if they might be on summer vacation. As a minister, I can continue to host events that offer them a place to belong, even if it is as simple as enjoying ice cream at a local restaurant.
- They value authenticity.
At the university where I worked, one of my main jobs in the residence hall was to enforce policy (even if they were rules I was not passionate about). College students could quickly snuff this out and attempt to push limits. This “authenticity radar” goes much further than rules. They knew that while there were some rules I did not care about, I cared deeply for them. I was able to hear them out in difficult seasons.
Living in a freshman dorm, I had so many students who found that as soon as they were out of the house, it was an invitation for Mom and Dad to finally, after 18 years, take off the masks. Many students had parents who would slowly back out of church, just weeks after dropping their son off at the Christian college. Many students were also the “babies” of the family, and now that the parents had all of their kids out of the house, they could finally call off their marriage. They had finished raising their kids (or so they thought), so it did not matter if Mom and Dad remained together. However, in these moments of dysphoria, as students wrestled with whether their parents’ faith in Jesus or love for one another was ever real, I offered them a place to be, a place to doubt, and a place to cry.
High school students know when we are about it. They notice our commitment (or lack of it). We must steward this season well as they begin to own and authenticate their faith for themselves. With church dropout rates growing each year, parents must be the example for the next generation. The absolute best thing you can offer your high school-age student as you prepare to send them to college is to be authentic. You do not have to be a perfect person or even a perfect parent. Instead, let them see you fail and seek forgiveness. That way when they inevitably fail and you are not there with them, they will know the next step.
Parents and leaders: Love Jesus deeply. Pursue your spouse like crazy. Invest in your child’s life right where you are. Your faith matters. Your marriage matters. Your leadership matters.
As you finish reading this, I want you to be encouraged. Your student may not do their chores no matter how many times you ask. They may care less about your advice than anything else in the world. They might think you take all the fun out of their high school years. While I cannot speak to this from parental experience, I have much experience being a child. I know that when your student is finally out of the house and living on their own, they won’t remember your parenting flaws. They instead will remember what it felt like to have long conversations in the living room, to have family dinner every Monday night, and how much Mom and Dad love Jesus and each other.