In years past I would not dare tackle the topic of grief because I didn’t feel like I had ever truly experienced it on a deeply personal level, but that all changed 6 months ago.
My dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor two and a half years ago. They discovered it after he had a seizure and was taken to the hospital for evaluation. He was presented with his options and made the choice to not have chemo or radiation but instead to pursue some holistic avenues. Slowly life returned to normal.
Dad had a second seizure in December, 6 months later, in the early morning hours, and while trying to keep my dad from hitting his head during the seizure my mom broke her back. My mom called me first, and after instructing her to call 911, I jumped in my car and raced to their home. While driving to their house, I remember the Holy Spirit impressing on me, “This is what will take him.” I was overwhelmed with questions.
The following weeks and months were difficult. Dad was put on an anti-seizure medication that did its job, and he didn’t have another seizure. Mom’s recovery was much more difficult; she needed surgery and dealt with intense spasms for weeks. Mom recovered with some lingering pain, and other than some normal symptoms that someone with a brain tumor deals with, like short-term memory loss and severe headaches, Dad returned to a somewhat normal state for about a year and a half. He had regular MRIs to track the tumor’s growth, but it wasn’t until he started to experience muscle weakness a few days before his birthday on April 2, 2023 and was unable to get out of bed on his own that we realized his tumor had really grown.
We celebrated Dad’s birthday, and he was only able to get out of bed for a very short time. My brother and I realized just how serious it was, and convinced my mom to call an ambulance and have him taken in to be checked out. In the hospital Dad had a biopsy and we were told that surgery wasn’t really an option. A sweet doctor said our options were limited: start chemo/radiation (which I knew my dad never wanted) or take him home and begin hospice. We chose the latter and ended up moving Mom and Dad into my brother’s house nearby so they could have more options for healthcare.
That month was one of the hardest of our lives. We began to grieve the loss of my dad that month even though he was still with us. We watched a man who was always so strong and independent reduced to a frail shell of who he once was. Though his body was betraying him, his mind, though forgetful, was still the dad we had always known, cracking jokes with everyone including all the hospice nurses and never missing an opportunity to give us a 3-squeeze (I, love, you) handhold. A week into their stay at my brother’s house, my mom was trying to help move my dad and she broke her back again (Mom has osteoporosis). Immediately she was transferred to the hospital and underwent a second surgery to repair her back and we all jumped in to help, including Dad’s two brothers and their wives. We all began taking shifts, balancing work and caring for Mom and Dad.
The muscle weakness soon affected more than Dad’s legs and ability to walk. It wasn't long before he stopped being able to swallow anything and talk, and we knew that he would soon pass. He went home to be with his Savior on May 6, 2023. The Lord in his great grace and kindness had started preparing me all those months prior that Dad would be leaving this earth. Nothing can fully prepare you for the loss of someone so close, though—someone who played such a pivotal role in who I was, in who my kids were, and in our lives. How could he be gone? The reality that we would not see him again hit us hard.
Though there are SO many things I don’t know about why it all went down the way it did, there are a few things that the Lord has shown me in the middle of grief.
- God is always present with us, moving and working in every moment of our lives. This may seem a simple thing to say but walking through the loss of my dad and watching my mom move forward in this new way of life has helped me really understand the nearness of God. I think it took me so desperately needing his help every moment to just get through the day, and being so out of control with all that happened, to see that he has been there all along. He has been so very close; I was just too preoccupied with other things to notice his nearness. (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 145:18)
- It’s never too late for the Lord to do a new work in us. My dad had been a believer all his life but he was never the spiritual leader of our home. My mom was. I never saw Dad reading his Bible, he didn’t go to church, and other than the way he served others and loved us, I didn’t see evidence of a relationship with the Lord. The last 6 months of my dad’s life, the Lord radically changed him. He grabbed hold of my dad’s heart, and the Lord became the biggest priority in Dad’s life. Even if that was the only good that had come from my dad’s illness, it would have been worth it. Dad fell in love with his Savior in a whole new way, and it radically changed the way he walked forward through cancer. (Philippians 1:6)
- Community is vital and life-giving. During the month that my parents were at my brother’s house, my church showed up in such a beautiful ways. My Central Bible Church family brought meals to my family, sent cards, called us, offered to sit with my dad, prayed with us and made us feel so seen and loved. My mom saw the beauty of a church community, and after she moved back home she got fully engaged in a church around the corner from her house that has been vital in her grieving process. (Galatians 6:2, Proverbs 17:17, Romans 12:5)
- I can cry and mourn and still fully trust and lean on the Lord. I have truly come to understand what people mean when they say that grief hits you in waves. One moment I can be fine and the next moment I’m sobbing. Life moves forward, and even in my sadness and the hurt I feel over the loss of my dad, I know the Lord is good and worthy of my trust. I know that because his Word says so, and I know that because I have seen his faithfulness through a thousand small things over the course of my life.
This one horrible thing doesn’t change who my God is or his goodness.
(Matthew 11:28-30, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 147:3)
- Grief doesn’t have to equal anger at the Lord. I have been angry since my dad’s passing. Angry that there is cancer in the world, angry that my dad is gone and angry that he had to endure what he did. But I can be angry at the situation and not angry at God. Let me explain. Because sin entered the world, there is death and suffering. My God did not cause those things, sin did. The Lord will return and make all things new, and on that day I will rejoice with my dad that there is no more sin, suffering or CANCER. (Romans 5:12, Romans 8:28, Revelation 21:4)
- Every second we are given is precious and there's no time to waste. One of the beautiful things about the Lord preparing me for my dad’s death was that I got to make the most of every moment I got with him. The weekends became about going to see Mom and Dad because I didn’t know how many more weekends I would get with him. The Lord used my dad’s disease to truly show me how precious each moment we are given is. He used it to light a fire underneath me to start making the most out of the time we have been given here on earth. (Ephesians 5:15-17, Psalm 90:12, Proverbs 27:1)
- Our pain and grief can push us to compassion for others. One of the most encouraging things that has come out of losing my dad has been watching my mom turn her hurt into action. The Lord has surrounded her with people to love on who are walking through loss. The Lord is helping my mom deal with her loss through loving others, and through her own suffering she now has such compassion for those walking through all sorts of suffering. She is cooking meals, sending texts, sharing verses of encouragement and so much more, out of an overflow of what the Lord has done for her. (Matthew 5:4, 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
I understand that every person is different and each of us grieve in our own way. If your grief journey has looked different, that’s okay. Our God is big enough to handle it all. My hope is that sharing some of the things that the Lord has taught me in my grief journey will also encourage you in yours.
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