Would you like a closer relationship with someone in your life, but you’re not sure how to get that deeper connection? Or do you have “prickly” (aka: annoying) people in your family, work, or everyday life you’d like to get along with better?
Hmm…chances are, yes!
Let’s face it…relationships can be challenging. And people can get on our nerves. Even those closest to us. But sometimes it takes just a few “relational tweaks” to deepen any bond.
Here are 3 tiny adjustments that will produce huge improvements in any relationship (Even with the most prickly, annoying people!)
- STEP INTO THEIR STINKY SHOES
Do you ever look at someone else’s life and jump right into thinking “judgy” thoughts? I know I do. (And it is a daily struggle for me.) Or do you catch yourself wanting to “fix” other people’s lives, because you know what would obviously work better for them? (Umm…guilty here.)
It’s so easy to focus on the mess in a friend, co-worker, or family member’s dramatic life… and blame them for your distant relationship.
Well, try stepping into “their stinky shoes.”
I like to shop at this “gently used” clothing store. And one day I saw this cute pair of shoes. I tried them on. (Really quick. And only took a few steps in them.) Loved them. (Or so I thought). Until I wore them the next day and walked MILES in them. (Or limped in them…. that would be a better description.)
Shoes (and other people’s lives) may look great on the outside…until you try to walk a mile in them. (And your toes get all smooshed together, and you feel a big ole blister popping out!)
Look at life through their eyes with a little compassion. I don't know about you, but I am very thankful that God’s showers His love and compassion, not just sometimes—but every single day.
“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” —Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)
We mess up. He forgives and still loves us. And even blesses us. Not only that, but the slate is clean every single day! So, if God can love us unconditionally like that… even when we make countless mistakes, even when we think awful thoughts, do selfish things, say hurtful words… then we can show grace to others.
Practice looking through your friend’s eyes. Practice showing your husband the compassions that God lovingly shines on you every single day. Practice big-hearted, “non-judgy” kindness with that annoying family member.
Put your compassion to practice by asking these questions:
- “What’s going on in your life?” (Then listen and follow up with a call or text.)
- “What can I do to help you right now?” (Then do it if you can,)
- “How can I pray for you?” (And actually, pray for them.)
Want to feel more connected with your friend, spouse, co-worker or family member? Change your perspective. Walk a mile in their shoes. Look at what they are struggling with. And when you get that blister…show a bit more compassion. Then, you will feel one step closer to them.
- TINKER WITH “THANK YOU”
Do you feel a bit of warmth, or a little spark in your heart, when someone notices what you do for them by saying “Thank you”? (I know I do.) Who doesn’t want to hear the words “thank you”? (For making life a little easier. Lending a helping hand. Giving a little blessing.)
When you say “Thank you,” it says:
- I see you
- I hear you
- I notice what you do
- I appreciate you
- You matter to me
- You make a difference in my life
- Life is better because you are in it
These two words can have the power to express all of that. (Yes, really!) And make EVERYONE feel like they are loved, seen, and appreciated.
Here are 3 little ways to tinker with your thanks, to build stronger, closer interactions.
- Match Your Words with Your Body Language
Words don't always express what you intend, if your body language says otherwise. According to body language expert, Albert Mehrabian, 7% of communication takes place through the words we speak. While 38% takes place through the tone of our voice. But a whopping 55% of communication happens through our body language.
When you say “thank you” but your body language doesn’t match your words…it's like throwing your appreciation right in the garbage. For example, saying a quick thank you while you’re halfway out the door may not be the most effective way to express your heartfelt gratitude. (Ya think?)
So, try to be purposeful by matching your words with your body language: Make eye contact. Smile. Add a little physical touch (hug, side hug, or fist bump—depending on your relationship with that person).
- Be Specific about Your Thanks
To amplify your thankfulness and show the other person you see and appreciate them, be specific about WHY you're thankful.
Be clear about what you appreciate and are thanking them for: “Thank you for making the time to… watch the kids, do the dishes, cook dinner, do the laundry.”
- Add a Reason WHY You are Grateful for Them
For example: Thank you so much for watching the kids for us… (Why? So we could go out on a date and spend time together. We really appreciate it.)
When I was younger and I would clean the whole house for my mom. I never truly felt appreciated, seen and loved because she would just say “Thank you.” (And nothing else.) But I noticed in my married life, when I clean the house, my husband expresses not only a thank you to me, but he tells me how nice the house looks, and how he appreciates having a wife who likes to keep things clean. Now THAT makes me feel loved and appreciated.
You can never say thank you enough. So, never stop tinkering with your thanks. Practice using good body language. Be specific with your gratitude. And add in the reason WHY you appreciate them.
Know that you will be making the other person feel loved, seen, and appreciated. And THAT will bring you closer with your friends, loved ones, extended family, co-workers… (and even with those prickly people in your life).
- GARBAGE THE GRUDGE
Have you ever had someone hold a grudge against you? (I have and it hurts!) Or maybe (just maybe) you’ve held unforgiveness against someone else.
Here’s the definition of grudge (unforgiveness): A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury; a feeling of being jealous.
Has anyone done something to hurt you lately? (Uhh... every day, right?) Perhaps you’ve allowed a tiny seed of grunginess to sprout in your heart. This is one of those subjects that you (and me) want to read through really fast and pretend it doesn’t really pertain to us. (Now don't click away—stay with me here.) But this is one of the huge road blocks that will prevent you from enjoying closer relationships.
It’s said that “holding a grudge is like letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” (Uh…nope. Don’t need that!) Holding a grudge can drive a wedge between you and the other person. And “wedgies” can be painful. (Ask my youngest brother who was hung on a door knob by his underwear—courtesy of our other brother—not by me! Ouch!) OK, sorry…I had to “wedge” a little humor into this.
So, what can you do when your close friend “ghosts” you? Or when your spouse hurts you? Or a family member insults you?
Forgive that person who’s hurt you…. even though you can pretty much bet they are going to wrong you again. (I know. It’s SO much easier said than done.)
God loves you so much and wants you to have close, meaningful relationships, with Him and with others.
Unforgiveness (aka holding a grudge) is the one thing that can derail any relationship. The list of countless times God’s forgiven me (and you) can be used as a heartfelt reminder to pay forward the love and forgiveness God shows us every day.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” —Ephesians 4:23
Here are a few things you can do to help start your forgiving process toward the one who’s hurt you (before you resort to plotting your revenge, blathering about what they did to you, or taking the silent “ignore them and pretend it never happened” approach).
OVERCOME EVIL WITH GOOD (See Romans 12:21)
For example, let’s say a family member hurts you with harsh, insensitive words. Instead of giving them a dose of their own medicine: (1) Pray for them. (2) “Shower them with good.” (AND speak only good things about them to others—that’ll cut the family drama in half right there!)
Now this is NOT going to feel all natural and comfy/cozy—I can tell you that right now… BUT it is one of the most effective ways to help you heal.
- Pray for Those Who Hurt You (See Luke 6:28)
I know. This is the last thing on earth you feel like doing… but something amazing will happen if you give this a try.
One summer we planted beautiful flowers in our backyard. But life got busy. And we let the weeds grow. Soon, they wound themselves around our brilliant blooms and eventually killed them.
A little weed of hurt, anger or resentment WILL grow fast and destroy any relationship. So, pull up that weed by overcoming evil with good and pray for the one who hurt you. And that, my friend, will heal any wounded soul and reunite your friendship.
God will start to melt away that anger boiling in your heart. And you will be able to forgive that monster who hurt you… (umm… I mean that person).
- Shower the “Evil One” with Good. (OK… at least start with a sprinkle.) (See Romans 12:21)
I know, you’d rather listen to fingernails screeching down a blackboard than to do one nice thing for “your enemy.” But, the more you practice this, the easier it will become.
And God WILL soften your heart. And pull up that sprout of anger that can grow into a full-blown relational tsunami (aka: the opposite of a close, loving relationship).
Purpose to do good things “for your foe” (yes, even while they’re being “extra-prickly”). Now I’m not talking about a one-time peace offering. I’m talking about consistent, genuine acts of love that will soften even the toughest hearts OVER TIME.
Why will this work? Because “Love never fails.” (See 1 Corinthians 13:8)
What are some ways you can sprinkle some love, you ask? Speak encouraging words, to them AND about them. Initiate spending time together. Listen with interest to what they say. Shrug off their mistakes, because we all make them. Be gentle, patient, and loving.
My go-to mantra when someone hurts me is: Love believes the best in others. (Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.) Having a little phrase or verse will surprisingly help rein in your anger the next time you're hurt.
Want a deeper connection? Garbage that grudge. Overcome evil by doing good when your spouse hurts you. Pray for your friend who ghosts you. Sprinkle love to make each prickly person feel like they are valuable to you.
People may forget what you say and what you do, but they will never forget how you make them feel.
“So, in everything, do to others, what you would have them do to you.” —Matthew 7:12 (NIV)
TIE IT ALL TOGETHER
When I was little, I would be so focused on playing, that I wouldn’t take the time to tie my shoes. And I would trip on my laces again and again. Think of your relationships like loosely tied shoelaces. If there's no focus to “tighten up” that bond, then you’ll keep tripping. But if you purpose to “tie a double knot in your relational strings,” by practicing these tiny tweaks, you won't “be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Jesus didn’t say, “I came so that you may live a miserable, drudge-through-the day, crazy-busy, and lonely life.”
What He actually says is: “The thief (Satan) comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).” (John 10:10 AMP)
Oh, my friend, it is God’s desire that you enjoy a loving, intimate friendship with Him and with others.
Now, follow His example. Jesus loved people as he went on His way. Jesus ministered as He went out of His way. And Jesus blessed others in all kinds of ways.
Step into your friend’s stinky shoes. Tinker with your Thank You. Garbage those grudges. And experience the joy of having cherished, valuable, God-desired, rewarding and DEEPER relationships. (Yes! Even with those “prickly” people.)
BONUS:
Want to know even MORE ways to have a closer connection?
- Initiate planning things together
- Give your focused attention (Put away your phone and turn off the TV)
- Ask questions about their life, remember what they share, then follow up on it
- Ask for wisdom, advice and help (makes them feel needed and seen)
- Stay connected throughout the day (Send texts, video messages, phone calls…). And purpose to answer their texts back (in a timely manner—not 2 days later—ouch!)
- Ask how you can pray for them (then actually do it)
- Ask them to pray for you (this will make them feel closer to you)
- Be real—share your personal struggles (it shows you trust them)
- Share more details about your life (not just surface things)
- Offer to do something to help (without them asking you to)
SEE IT GOD’S WAY:
Bring to mind someone who you’d like a closer bond with. Imagine hugging them, or laughing together. Picture in your mind how you would like your relationship to be. Take 3 tips from this article, and envision doing these with this person.
SAY IT GOD’S WAY:
Oh Lord, I know it's Your heart’s desire for me to show Your love to others. Please give me Your wisdom, grace and love for… (insert name). Help me to show the tenderness and compassion that You’ve shown me.
Give me Your grace to believe the best in them, and to forgive when I’m hurt. Reveal ways I can show Your love and appreciation to strengthen our bond. Bless, nurture and help us grow closer to each other. In Jesus' name. Amen.
DO IT GOD’S WAY:
Choose that same person you would like a tighter connection with. Write down 3 things that could bring you nearer to them and purpose to do those this week.
Beyond all of these things put on and wrap yourselves in (unselfish) love, which is the perfect bond of unity (for everything is bound together in agreement when each one seeks the best for others.)
Colossians 3:14 (AMP)