One of our most memorable fights erupted out of nowhere. It was one of those arguments that you look back on, shake your head, and wonder, “Where in the world did that come from?” It was a Saturday, just like any other. I was in the kitchen with our younger children, and Ryan was in the other room with our oldest daughter. Sometime later, Ryan and Rylie rounded the corner of the kitchen with big smiles on their faces. Rylie grabbed my legs in a big hug and excitedly announced, “Mommy, I just asked Jesus to be my Savior.”
Now, you would think that as a mom who had been praying for her child’s salvation since before her birth, I would have been deliriously happy, but I was devastated. I slapped a happy smile on my face, gave Rylie a big hug, and told her that I was so proud of her. I held it together long enough to get to the bathroom and burst into tears. All the angry thoughts rushed through my mind, “How could Ryan not know that I would want to be a part of such a special moment in our daughter’s life?” “Didn’t he know how important this would be for me?” “Didn’t he understand how hurt I would be to not be included?”
After my initial hurt and Ryan’s profuse apologies, we were able to talk about the situation and why I had reacted with such resentfulness, blame, and anger. I realized that I had an expectation that I wasn’t even aware of and that I had never communicated to Ryan. That night I shared my thoughts, hopes, and dreams of being a part of the special spiritual milestones in our children’s lives. Ryan listened to me share and understood my heart. Since then, we have had the blessing of being a part of many spiritual decisions in our children’s lives. Praise God!
Unmet expectations are often at the core of conflicts within our marriage. Some of these expectations may be rather small – where to go for dinner, who should empty the dishwasher, or which movie to choose on a Friday night. Other expectations are more significant – whose family to visit during the Christmas holidays, how to spend the bonus money, or how to discipline the children. Whether big or small, if we don’t identify these expectations and communicate them clearly with our spouse, disappointment, frustration, and anger are often the result.
Before we can communicate our expectations, we must identify them. If we are not aware of what they are, how can we communicate them clearly to our spouse? This takes some thought and practice. Start small. Are you wanting your spouse to find a babysitter for date night? Are you hoping that your spouse puts gas in the car before tomorrow morning? Do you expect to pray together before bed? Our days are made up of thousands of expectations, many of them relatively insignificant, and we can adjust when our expectations are not met. However, the greater the expectation, the more disappointed we are when it is not met.
When identifying our expectations, we must also determine where our expectations come from. We are different from our spouse, and each of us comes into the marriage with a different set of expectations. Some of them may come from the family in which we grew up. “My dad always led our family in Bible reading and prayer at night so I think my husband should too.” Some expectations may come from what we’ve seen on TV. “The Leave It to Beaver family always sat around the table and enjoyed dinner together and so should we.” Some expectations may come from Disney movies. “I expect to live happily ever after and have all my dreams come true.” Some expectations come from our culture. “Valentine’s Day should be full of romance, a candlelight dinner, rose petals, dancing under the stars, and fireworks that light up the night sky.” Expectations can come from friends, the Bible, church, romance novels, music, and social media.
We all have expectations. Identifying them and recognizing where they come from will help us determine if our expectations are reasonable or unreasonable. We may discover that some of our ideas are outdated, unnecessary, or unattainable. Some of our expectations may need to be adjusted, and some may need to be discarded altogether.
If we continue to cling to unreasonable expectations, our spouse will most likely become discouraged and frustrated, and we will be disappointed and disillusioned.
Once we have identified our expectations, it is crucial that we communicate them to our spouse. If possible, we need to plan by choosing the right time and place to have this conversation. If our expectation is something minor, we may share it during a phone call on our way home from work. If it is something more significant like household responsibilities or how to handle a parenting situation, plan a time that is unstressed and a place that is relaxed and quiet. Ryan and I often talk about the conversation we plan to have in advance so that we each have time to think about it, pray about it, and come prepared. God’s Word says in Ecclesiastes that there is a time and season for everything. This includes difficult conversations.
As we share our expectations with our spouse, we also need to create an atmosphere of understanding. We need to give our spouse a chance to share their thoughts and feelings in a positive and affirming environment. When it is our turn to share, we need to be kind and respectful not accusing or blaming. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Instead of attacking one another and defending our positions, we need to recognize that we are on the same team working toward the same goal. We may find a creative compromise or decide to “sleep on it” and come back for a subsequent conversation.
Early on in our marriage, Ryan and I had a recurring argument that always seemed to crop up the same way and end the same way. Whenever we invited friends over for dinner or had out-of-town company, I began a rigorous ritual of cleaning every nook and cranny in our house, planning an overly elaborate menu, and cooking like my very life depended on it. (God has since done considerable work in my life regarding my need to impress and please others, but that’s a story for another time.) Ryan, though, would relax on the couch, watch a game, or surf the TV channels. I would rush around cleaning and getting madder by the minute. I could not understand why Ryan wasn’t helping me clean the mini blinds or wipe down the floorboards. Finally, Ryan sensed the icy air billowing off me and asked, “Is something wrong?” Of course, you all know what I said, “No, nothing is wrong.” We’d do this little song and dance until Ryan finally dragged it out of me. I was mad because I was doing all the work, and Ryan wasn’t helping me. Ryan’s response was always the same, “I’d be happy to help you. Why didn’t you just ask?” Well, I, of course, didn’t want to have to ask. I wanted him to just magically know what needed to be done.
Over the years, we had many variations of this same argument. Finally, one day we had a talk about our expectations. Ryan was coming home from work mentally exhausted and literally did not know what needed to be done. I didn’t want to feel like a mom nagging him to do chores. After we both shared our feelings and understood how the other person felt, we came up with a compromise. Ryan asked me to write a little “To Do” list for him and leave it on the counter. He would work down the list and cross things off as he went, and I would feel supported and loved (since my love language is acts of service). Ryan and I were able to identify our expectations, readjust those that were unreasonable, communicate them with one another in a kind and respectful manner, and come to a compromise. Decades later, we still have a “To Do” list on our kitchen counter and a much more peaceful and happy home.
When we say “I do” on our wedding day, we have high expectations for our spouse and our new life together. However, God is the ultimate source of our contentment and satisfaction. He alone is able to meet all of our needs and satisfy our inmost longings. Psalm 107:9 says, “For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.” We must never make the mistake of placing our spouse in the position that only God can fill. God alone can meet our deepest desires and fulfill our greatest expectations.