Value. Value is what every person wants to feel when engaging in conversation with another person. Yes, they want answers, and yes, they want direction, but when you can make another person feel valued by the way you interact with them, and when they notice the thoughtfulness behind your words, then you truly have drawn them closer in. People want to talk more with people who make them feel valued—that’s just a simple truth. If you can find a way to accomplish this in most of your conversations with others, then you will gain access into lives that might not be available to everyone. A significant way to see this happen is to discover how to ask good questions.
Jesus, like with so many other things, is our best example of someone who asked good questions. Multiple times throughout the Gospels, you find him asking people questions that forced them to take a moment to think a little deeper, past a typical surface-level response. Writing every example of his would simply take too long, so I’d like to focus in on just a few from the synoptics.
First, we can look in the middle of Matthew 16, where Jesus is with his disciples in the district of Caesarea Philippi, and asks them, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” (v.13). His disciples begin to answer that question by listing off names that other people have given in the past, like John the Baptist, Elijah or Jeremiah. This response is not what Jesus is getting at, as he wants to know their thoughts, not just what everyone else was saying. He asks them again in verse 15, “But who do you say that I am?”, to which Simon Peter responds in verse 16, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.”
Sometimes during conversation with others, a natural habit is for the person to rattle off a status-quo answer or something that seems to be common knowledge. I would encourage you to push a little and ask them to give the answer they really believe to be true, and why? Now obviously your questions might not always be as theologically deep as the one Jesus asked here in Matthew, but the principal remains the same. Although it might catch them off guard at first, people generally appreciate being challenged to take time to craft their own thoughts, after maybe spending most of their day just regurgitating facts and information passed on to them via social media or the news. This will not be a normal request to them, but will positively stick in their mind as you seek to engage in future conversation.
A second example to consider can be found in the middle of Mark 8. After feeding a great multitude, Jesus asks a simple follow-up question to his disciples when he is in the boat with them. He says in verse 19, “When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?” They reply, “Twelve.” Now you might be thinking to yourself, “What does this question to his disciples have to do with the way I interact with someone coming to me for counsel?” Well, let me tell you.
I believe Jesus asked them this question to see if they were paying attention to the great things he had done and was doing right there in their midst. The disciples are a lot like you and me. God has been constantly working all around us and we either get complacent or forgetful.
It is during times like this that you can step in and remind people to stop and take notice of what the Lord has been doing in their situation. Asking leading observation questions can be such a helpful tool to get someone to remember the simple graces afforded to them, as well as the God-sized miracles to be in awe of.
A final example I want to look at from Jesus takes place in the last paragraph of Luke 6, where Jesus is wrapping up a message he was delivering to people who had come from all Judea and Jerusalem to hear him speak. Here in verse 46, he asks the question, “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I tell you?” Jesus then proceeds to explain that those who come to him and hear his words, but do not follow his commands, are like a man who builds his house on a ground with no foundation. You know the rest of the story (Luke 6:47-49).
This part of Jesus’s message comes to my mind because there will be times when you need to lovingly challenge the person you’re in conversation with to truly consider the consequences of their actions or their inactions. More than likely, they will know what the right thing to do is or would have been, but they are probably talking with you now because they have not followed through with the necessary action. It is during this time in your conversation where, by asking tough questions, you can help them see a logical connection between what is true and what needs to be done in order to support this truth. It is important that during this time of intentional question asking, you don’t come across as judgmental or demeaning, which is possible if you’re not careful. The last thing you want to do in these types of conversations is to “rub their nose in it” without relaying any sort of care or compassion. This will cause an immediate shutdown on their part. Pray for wisdom.
My prayer for you is that when the Lord brings you someone seeking counsel, in addition to being a good listener, you would look for ways to be like Jesus by intentionally asking questions that encourage this person to think harder about the answers they provide, to remember that the Lord has not left them, and to consider what actions they need to take in order for things to be reconciled. When you take the time to recognize the value in asking these types of questions in conversation, while also honoring the person you are counseling, understanding can grow, healing can take place, and God will be glorified.