My mom and dad raised my siblings and me to love the Lord. We grew up homeschooled, being taught by our mom while our dad served faithfully as one of the pastors at what was once Pantego Bible Church but is now named Central Bible Church. This was my life growing up, going to school in our kitchen, having lunch in our living room, enjoying recess in the backyard, and finishing the day with a family movie night to settle us down for bed. Life was so great as a kid!
Every week, I looked forward to going to church. Church for me was like a fun field trip away from home. I loved the toys in the classroom, I got to play with friends, I ate my body weight in Nilla Wafers and Cheerios. At some point, the teacher would tell us these awesome stories about a man getting swallowed by a big fish and 5,000 people being fed with a kid’s lunch. This is where I heard about God. I learned that God created everything (Genesis 1:1). I learned that God wanted to have a relationship with me (John 3:16a). I learned that I couldn’t have a relationship with him because I and everyone on earth had a problem called sin (Romans 3:23). I learned that sin is anything that you do say or think that goes against what God says. I learned the Ten Commandments. I learned that there is a punishment for our sins (Romans 6:23a). The good news is that God had a plan (Romans 6:23b). I wanted that free gift. I wanted to have a relationship with God. I wanted to go to heaven. On August 10, 2002, I went to my dad expressing that I wanted to know God. My dad explained to me that there was nothing that I could do or say to save myself from my sin. Only through trusting in God’s Son, Jesus Christ, could I be saved from my sin. Jesus took my punishment and died for me on the cross.
This is the only way. By admitting that you are a sinner needing a Savior, believing in your heart that Jesus is the Son of God, that he died on the cross for your sins and that three days later he rose again from the dead, you will be saved from your sins (John 3:16). I wanted that. I closed my eyes and bowed my head to talk to God. When I finished my prayer and opened my eyes, I didn’t feel any different, but I knew that I now had a relationship with God and that when I died someday, I would go to heaven. This is where it started… the beginning of my new life as a follower of Christ.
Like I mentioned, being homeschooled was the best, but being a pastor’s kid had perks of its own. I got to go to church camp for a discount, we'd show up early and leave late for events, I got good food at the guest lunches, I got to run around property like I owned the place, and everyone knew who I was. Just because I was the pastor’s kid didn’t mean I was without my fair share of struggles. But through all my struggles, I had my dad and the Holy Spirit to help me turn away from my sin and set my eyes on Jesus. It wasn't until I was in high school that my secret sin started to grow.
Since I grew up in a family with three other siblings, my mom could only devote a certain amount of time to help us with our school. This is why my parents made the decision to have us attend a public school. Newman International Academy is a small charter school where everybody knew everyone. Being the new kid at school, I got a lot of attention. It could be that I was the best soccer player at school, it could be because of my good looks and fun personality (speaking with all humility, of course!), or it could be because of my unique last name, “Rasberry.” I got attention was because I was different than everyone else. The way I talked and acted was foreign to my new community. This all made me one of the popular kids at school. Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I occasionally had opportunities to share advice and wisdom with my peers. They would express their struggles and seek solutions to their needs from me. Through my high school years, I was exposed to what the world was like through my classmates. Addiction, pain, depression, self-harm, anger, and lust would reveal themselves from time to time, but I felt invulnerable to them. This is where a different kind of sin made its way into my life, and it wasn’t until my first year of college that I realized what I was doing.
Self-righteousness—my secret sin—was now facing the light. My sin was revealed through a hard conversation I had with one of my friends about how I was doing. After digging deep, I came to admit what I had been doing for years.
I had unintentionally put myself on a pedestal, looking down at others. I was a hypocrite. I would secretly judge the sins other people struggled with. I puffed myself up, thinking of myself as better than other people. Now I felt disgusting. Confronted with the reality of my sin, I viewed myself as worthless.
I had compared all of my good deeds with what other people had, and had started viewing those people as less than me. I was being a hypocrite, saying that everyone is equal in the eyes of God but living my life differently. I shamed myself for living like this.
After that, I would struggle for years, viewing myself as unworthy: unworthy to be a child of God and unworthy to be in a position of leadership. I thought it would take someone better than me to serve the Lord.
Even though I'd learned God's promises in Scripture, I felt like my sin was too great for God to help me. It amazes me now that no matter how hopeless I felt, no matter how unworthy I deemed myself, God continued to pursue me, reminding me that no one is too far gone for him to help us. He reminded me of the reason why Jesus died on the cross—to forgive me of my sins.
I came to understand that God does not need me or anyone in the slightest. He is not needing our love or worship. He is not codependent on us. So, why would God choose a sinner who thinks he is better than other people to work in ministry and lead other people to Christ for his kingdom?
It became clear to me that God does not call us because of our righteousness but because of his. God wants to show people how great he is through the people we wouldn’t qualify as worthy. I learned that the Bible is full of people who were full of sin that did great things for God. King David sent a husband to the front lines of a war so he would die, just so that he could marry his wife. Peter denied that he knew Jesus multiple times. Paul wrote, "For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God" (1 Corinthians 15:9, ESV). All of these people were unworthy to be used by God. He didn't ignore their sin or allow them to stay in it, but he still chose them and redeemed them and placed them in positions where they were on fire for God. His grace made them worthy of serving him (1 Corinthians 15:10).
No people are righteous or significant apart from God, but God uses insignificant people to do significant things for his kingdom. He helps us live lives worthy of our calling (Ephesians 4:1) and of him (Colossians 1:10) when we trust in him instead of ourselves and confess our sin when we get it wrong. We can't do it in our own strength, but we can do it through his.
Through this season of my life, I learned more than I ever had before about who God is and how he views me. I am a sinner who in no way deserves God’s love, but through his never-ending grace, He continues to choose to love me even when I don’t deserve it. Though I still struggle with feeling unworthy from time to time, I remind myself that God makes me worthy through Christ alone.
If you have done things that you are not proud of and you bring self-condemnation down on yourself, remember that God deems you worthy only through Christ. If you want to be forgiven from your sins, I encourage you to take some time to pray, repent from your sins and turn to Christ as the only way to be saved from your sin and counted as worthy.